So there I was, plodding along when two things happened, catalysts if you will.
The first was that there was another round of lay-offs at work. This isn’t that unusual, the difference this year is that the percentage they were looking to get rid of was significantly higher then in past years, and that for the first time there’s some uncertainty around whether my role will be about in 12 months time. Now I always volunteer for redundancy, not because I’d necessarily accept it if offered, but it means if I am offered I get the option of a slightly better package. It’s a fairly ballsy thing to do if you don’t want to go but, the point is, it gives you options. Now because of uncertainty around whether my role will exist in 12 months and because of my current financial challenges it put me in an interesting place. As due to the kick back I get currently from the ‘bonus’ standby money I get every month, it means I can’t change role within the company (which I could do very easily) as I’d lose that, and I really can’t afford to do that. So if I were to get this package it would mean I’d have time to find something externally, and hopefully with a significant amount left over to help elsewhere with my finances.
Now not including pub work, I’ve basically worked at this same company for fifteen years, I’m good at my job, I’m respected and I know how things work. I say this because making the decision to seriously look externally (over the past few years I’ve applied to the occasional external role, so I’ve kept an eye on the job market) is a big deal to me emotionally. This is the one area in my life where I feel I’ve totally succeeded and am respected for my successes. So making the decision that I have to move on is a big deal to me and frankly terrifying. It would also mean I’d lose the flexibility I do now around working hours which allows me to have the boys during the week and do school runs.
Anyway, cue me applying for various external roles as well as the voluntary redundancy at work. First kick in the balls was I didn’t get the redundancy. My boss actually said to me, “Andrew I couldn’t offer it to you, if I did who would do my job for me?” Talk about a backhanded compliment. As far as job applications go, as of today I’m up to 32 applications (I have a spreadsheet!), with zero responses. However I did have an agency approach me about a job very similar to what I’m doing now but with a salary increase of almost a third. This job was ideal on every level, location, salary, benefits everything. This would sort out my financial issues in one go. So yes, of course I was interested, please put me forward. Various application forms later I have an interview. I prepare like I’ve never prepared before. The interview goes really well, and I’m confident that I’ve done everything I could have done.
Two weeks later I get told I hadn’t got the job. And after the amount of mental preparation it took me to get to that point that was a serious downer and I could feel the tendrils of despair and hopelessness wrapping themselves around my insides. If even after all that preparation and work I couldn’t get a job, what could I do.
Depression's Chicanery 