In the beginning

Posted: September 7, 2013 in Depression Blog
Tags: ,

So before I can write about the now, I should write about the past and how this all started.

Three years ago my then wife and I separated. In hindsight I think we’d both agree that we should never have got married in the first place. Basically we were two good friends that ended up together and she became pregnant within three months of that. One thing led to another without either of us ever stopping and saying is this right. And we both did what we felt we should be doing, and what was expected of us. Needless to say, things didn’t work out. In the meantime however we have had two beautiful children, both boys and now aged five and seven.

Before we separated things weren’t right between us for a long time, while we both tried to make the relationship work. And honestly, I think my fight with depression starts there. I was in a loveless relationship and a sense of no options to escape it without hurting my children. And then three years ago my ex took the decision out of my hands and ended things.

After several months of sleeping on the sofa I moved back to my old flat (which we had been renting out), at which point there was a short honeymoon period while I relished my rediscovered freedom, not in a romantic sense but in being able to do what I want, and when i want. But then the financial realities set in. My time with my Ex had left me financially screwed, mortgaged up to the hilt on both properties, I no longer had the rental income from the flat and in addition I was now paying for my living expenses and maintenance for the boys.

Now I don’t get paid badly in my job, however I don’t get paid enough for what I do, and for what I need to cover my outgoings. My boss at the time recognised that I should be getting more, but wasn’t able to get me the pay rise she wanted for me. Instead she told me to start claiming standby money as if I were on call. Which arguably I was because I do work all hours and get called on occasion over the weekend and in the evenings. This was a big help and means that my books just about balance. Although I regularly get screwed by unexpected and unplanned costs, which leads to charges for going over my overdraft, cue vicious circle.

Lack of funds and the fact that most of my friends are now married/having kids/growing up meant that social events have dried up. Mainly being for formal events (weddings, children’s birthdays & dinner parties etc). And no longer the spontaneous ‘fancy a pint tonight’ it was before I was married.

So there I was in a holding pattern, existing, not really living.  And slowly giving up, accepting my lot and wondering what to do with myself. At this point I’d never have considered clinical Depression, I did think that I was suffering badly with stress though. But with the knowledge that I couldn’t do anything about it, as all the doctor can do for stress is sign you off for a few weeks. But that would mean I’d lose the ‘bonus’ standby money I was getting for that period, which I couldn’t afford to do.

  1. take care yourself 🙂

  2. balauru says:

    No addictions during this period? To “sweeten” the pain? Alcohol, cigarettes …etc..

  3. Tchrin says:

    Thanks Maia.

    Balauru, lots of alcohol & cigarettes throughout all of this. I’ll cover it in a post tomorrow, but I’ve majorly cut back on both in the past couple of months, but it hasn’t helped.

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