Recent History (Part 2)

Posted: September 7, 2013 in Depression Blog
Tags: , , ,

So onto the second catalyst in recent months, romance.

I’ve not been involved romantically with anyone since before my Ex, which is roughly eight and half  years. Considering I rarely meet anyone new and certainly not anyone that I’m interested in beyond just friendship I’d pretty much given up on it, and resigned myself to life as a bachelor. And then came along Simone. That’s not her real name and there’s a lot more to this then I’m going to share here as it’s not my place to share personal details about her life as well as my own.

Simone was a single mum at my children’s school, and things started off with just chatting at pick up time, followed by a few play dates with the kids. During which the conversation started to get fairly suggestive, until I finally thought screw it and asked her on a date. Which to my delighted surprise she said yes. I say surprised as frankly she is way out of my ‘league’. I don’t believe I’m modest or a boastful man, I know I’m not the ugliest person in the world, but neither am I a stud by any means, whereas Simone is an ex Model & Dancer and is frankly gorgeous by anyone’s definition. So the fact that she said yes was definitely a surprise.

The date went very well, and led to a month or so of relations between us. However this fun was always tempered by the fact that she would regularly decide that it had to stop between us because of complexities in her life making her not ready for another relationship. Despite this things continued on and off for a couple of months before she finally said enough is enough I just want to be friends. She’s said the sex was amazing (and I’ve heard that she’s said as such from mutual friends) and she loves me as a friend, but she doesn’t want anything else.

By now I’ve fallen head over heels in love with this woman. Without trying to get soppy, she has more life and positivity in her then anyone I’ve ever met, she’s amazingly good looking and yes the sex was amazing. So now I have to make a decision, can I handle just being friends with her or should I try to cut her out of my life so I don’t have that constant reminder of all that could have been. Against some people’s judgement, I went for option one, and remained friends. And generally I think that was the right choice, although being her friend while watching her start dating another man and clearly seeing how much she was falling for him was like having a food processor in my stomach. Ultimately things didn’t work out with said other man, but it wasn’t pleasant from my perspective. Although I do honestly want her to be happy, even if that’s not with me.

So to bring this tale up to date, Simone & I continued, strictly as friends, to text chat most days, and see each other a couple of times a week.  And then last weekend I popped over on my way past, and unbeknown to me her ex, the father of her son, had just left. However he saw me there, and got very upset.  Again, without going into details, her relationship with her ex had been on rocky ground in recent months and was just getting back to a good place, which for the sake of their child is obviously very important. Now logically there’s no reason for him to be angry, however logic rarely has anything to do with this kind of thing.  The following few days she’s not a happy bunny, and although we briefly chatted a couple of times, it’s not clear to me at this stage whether she’s just upset about the devolved situation with her ex, or whether she subconsciously blames me for it.

This is also the week that my ex wife, who I remain friends with, confronts me about depression and needing to go to the doctor (more on that in a later post) to which I reluctantly agree to do. The idea of this fairly shook me up and I needed to confide discuss this with my friend Simone. I text her and tell her what’s happened and although she’s supportive she’s not her usual self and her responses seem somewhat…perfunctory. And then after I get the diagnosis from the doctor I tell her that I’ve been prescribed Antidepressants & referred me to a counsellor and she doesn’t even reply until I ask her why the lack of reply a couple of hours later.

And when, the next day I ask if I can swing by for a coffee (bearing in mind that the next day I was about to go on a business trip for seven days and I’ve seen her 2+ times a week for the past 4 months) she says no as she needs a bit of space for a while. Now obviously she’s more then entitled to that, but it’s not clear to me what’s caused this change of heart. Is it because she blames me for the change of situation with her ex, is it because she had a general issue with depression, is it because she realises how much I’ve come to depend on her and she doesn’t need that in her life, or is it simply me reading way too much into this.

Anyway, the point of all of this is, I’ve rapidly gone from someone who didn’t think he’d ever find love again to finding that person and come SO close to things working out only for it to become ultimately unrequited and then with the diagnosis of Depression what feels like an extra kick while I’m down.

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